"I live in a Sitcom", by Rox Midge

Everyone's been asking me to tell the rest of the story, so here it is. The first part is still around on the forums somewhere, from a time before post length limitations. I'd like to think I had something to do with that, but I'm probably just deluding myself. Anyway, if you haven't read it, or forgot what it said, please read it, because this picks up where it left off.

The first really big thing that happened is that about two days after the girl (SSG) handed me the note from the dense gay dipshit, she pulled me aside and told me that she was moving to another store. Evidently one of the other stores in this chain recently had a management position open up, and she was offered the job and accepted. Her last day at the store was just after new year's day.

This didn't seem like such a big deal at the time, since I was busy at work and such. We were having coffee at least twice a week, so I felt reasonably sure that she liked me as a friend, and that she wouldn't lose contact with me. She didn't have my number, and I didn't have hers, but that was just a formality that we hadn't finished.

The first part of this story says that she thought I was gay, and was trying to hook me up with her gay friends. I kind of exaggerated that point to make it a funnier story; in reality it was only two guys: the dense gay dipshit and the other guy (who happens to be dense gay dipshit's ex-boyfriend).

It turns out, and she told me this a few days after the dense gay dipshit incident, that she knew I wasn't gay all along. She had promised both the dipshit and his ex-boy that she would try to get them hooked up with other people, but she really didn't want to expend too much effort on it. When "Frank" (we'll call the ex-boy Frank) heard the story of me in the gay bookstore, he expressed interest in meeting me.

Frank actually heard the story from "Joe", though, who was the large muscular man that was in the gay bookstore professing his heterosexuality. Guess what? Joe's an extremely closeted, flaming homosexual! So Joe relates this story to Frank, and assures Frank that I'm charming and cute and extremely gay. Frank agreed to waive SSG's promise if she hooks him up with me, so she did, only to have him realize two minutes in that I was nowhere approaching gay.

SSG told Frank I was straight only after I'd gone back to work. Frank was terribly amused by this, and they schemed to take it one step further. (Bear in mind, I know nothing of this.) They told "Alvin" (the dense gay dipshit) that I wasn't Frank's type, but that I'd probably hit things off with Alvin. They warned Alvin that I was deeply closeted, though, and that I probably would have difficulty coming out, even to a gay man.

(A note about Alvin: he and Joe had been dating for something like four months, and Alvin was really developing a really unhealthy attachment to Joe, so Joe basically told him to go fuck himself. Alvin is "on the rebound", as it were.)

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. SSG tells me all of this over coffee that evening, and promises she'll talk to Alvin and tell him that she was just messing with his head. I took that opportunity to ask about Joe, who I had assumed was her boyfriend. It turns out that Joe is just some random guy she went to high school with. So, like an idiot, I press her for information about the guy she was 'kind of seeing'. It turns out -- and this should really have failed to shock me -- she's a lesbian.

Well, her exact words were something along the lines of "I do want to go out for dinner with you sometime, but Lizzie gets jealous." Ah, Lizzie's your dog? "Er, no, Lizzie's the girl I've been kind of seeing."