"I live in a Sitcom", by Rox Midge

I really didn't know how to handle this new information, as it really completely blindsided me. (It didn't help that I called her girlfriend a dog.) Even through all of the gay men and the bookstore and everything, the idea that she was gay never entered my mind. The sheer shock of that kicked me over into autopilot, and I don't remember much of the following conversation. Somehow, we ended up making tentative plans to have dinner on Friday.

A few days later, while I was tooling around on the internet looking for some books, I got an instant message from someone not on my list (handle removed for privacy):

quote:
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SSG: hello?
rox_midge: hello?
SSG: hey, i thought it was you?
rox_midge: me too?
SSG: haven't seen you around in a while
rox_midge: yeah
rox_midge: uhm, who is this precisely?
SSG: oh, it's (SSG), from (the shop).
rox_midge: oh hey
rox_midge: I've been kinda busy.
SSG: i need to talk to you about friday
rox_midge: What about Friday?
SSG: lizzie wants to come along.
rox_midge: to dinner?
SSG: yeah
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So I'm thinking, what the fuck, it's not like this dinner is actually going to be a date, anyway. I agree to let the lizard come along to dinner. A few minutes later I get another message:

quote:
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lizzie: hey
lizzie: don't be messing around with my girl ;-)
rox_midge: er, ok
lizzie: it's lizzie
rox_midge: oh, hey
lizzie: see you friday I guess???
rox_midge: I guess so.
lizzie: she likes you :-)
rox_midge: (SSG)?
rox_midge: (SSG) likes me?
rox_midge: hello?
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And as if it couldn't get any weirder, I get this message, which may or may not be related to anything at all:

quote:
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someone: IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH HER AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND RIP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OUT AND FEED THEM TO YOU RAW
rox_midge: sorry?
someone: YOU'RE IN A WORLD OF HURT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
rox_midge: what?
rox_midge: hello?
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So anyway, Friday rolls around, and we go to the restaurant that SSG picked, which turns out to be an Olive Garden. I show up fashionably late since I made three wrong turns, and had to stop on the way to buy razors because I had forgotten to shave before I left. I guess I was about ten minutes late. When I walked in, SSG is standing in the foyer talking to the most drop-dead beautiful woman I have ever seen, who turns out to be Lizzie. I don't have a lot of time to process this bit of information as we are instantly whisked off to our table.

SSG excuses herself without even sitting down to go to the bathroom, so Lizzie and I are basically sitting at the table by ourselves. Lizzie explains that SSG hasn't been feeling well today. I thought she looked like crap, but I figured I was just taken with Lizzie and it was tainting my impression of SSG.

Through the rest of dinner SSG becomes more and more lethargic, until it's clear that she really is ill, and we really shouldn't be sitting in a resturaunt contemplating that she's ill. We decide to get the check early and relocate SSG to her bed so she can recover. I, being the chivlarous gent that I am, intend to pay the bill. We gather in the front of the store, and I reach into my pocket to grab my wallet...

...and I slice the FUCKING SHIT out of the fingers on my left hand. I'd stuffed the cheap-ass razor into my pocket, thinking I would sneak into the bathroom and shave. I had utterly forgotten they were in my pocket.

I pull the hand out of my pocket to survey the damage. I had one huge cut on my index finger that was as near to gushing as you can get with a vein, and numerous smaller-but-still-oozing cuts. Lizzie and SSG are off to the side in a half-embrace, so they don't see this, until I say 'holy SHIT' and they both turn to look at my hand.

SSG sees my hand and instantly vomits what she ate of her dinner all over Lizzie before fainting.

SSG sees my hand and instantly vomits what she ate of her dinner all over Lizzie before fainting. By this time the guy who was expecting me to pull out my credit card has had time to realize that I'm bleeding all over the floor, and sends the entire resturaunt staff into full scramble mode. Within seconds I'm given a towel to bleed on, the floor has been wiped up, and someone has helped Lizzie get SSG onto a couch.

A few minutes later, an ambulance shows up; someone had called 911. A medic-type guy looks at my hand and determines that I need to keep pressure on it for a while, but that it won't need stitches since the cuts aren't that deep. They load SSG, who has still not regained consciousness, into the amublance, and Lizzie climbs in with her and they leave. I pay the bill, apologizing for all of the mess, while they insist that "this happens all the time".

Having completely miserably failed at impressing SSG, and probably permanently damaging any hope I ever had of getting on her beautiful girlfriend's good side, I drive home and go to sleep. When I wake up, I have an email from Lizzie:

quote:
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From: lizzie@...
To: rox_midge...
Subject: (no subject)
Date: 15 Dec 2001 2:36 AM

hey (rox), i just wanted to let you know that (SSG) is okay. she was dehydrated and she has a bad flu. they gave her some medicine and told her to stay in bed for the next week or so, but she's ok. she says you have to buy me lunch to make up for her puking all over me though, haha! well see you later!! ~liz~ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that pretty much sucks, because I had plans to be out of town from the end of the next week until after new year's, so basically I wasn't going to see SSG at the shop anymore. I convey this information to Lizzie over Yahoo:

quote:
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rox_midge: so she's ok?
lizzie: yeah, she's eating soup right now :-)
rox_midge: that's a relief.
rox_midge: it sucks that she won't be in the shop though.
lizzie: how's your hand?
lizzie: why?
rox_midge: Oh, it's fine, I put some neosporin on it like they said.
rox_midge: Because I leave for vacation on Thursday
lizzie: she needs a little help
rox_midge: I know are you going to take care of her?
rox_midge: Lizzie?
rox_midge: Hello?
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(Lizzie has a habit of not saying when she's left the computer.)

Anyway, because this story is going on way too long, and because it's not nearly as funny as the first half, I'll give a synopsis of what's happened since:

quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* while on vacation I got an email from SSG apologizing for vomiting and not being less ill (it made that much sense)
* scary threatening guy has randomly contacted me a few times again
* Lizzie has sent me a few emails indicating that she has not forgotten that I owe her lunch
* SSG covered a shift from someone in the old store
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Actually, that last item is kind of interesting because I didn't go there for lunch that day, but she noticed me coming back from where I'd been, and actually came outside the store to talk to me and asked me to stop by for coffee. Except, I forgot to go back and have coffee with her. I do believe that I've successfully transferred my crush from SSG to Lizzie.

Kind of an awkward place to end, but that's all that's happened so far.